


For Miles and Miles

by mirandamyth



Series: seasons [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean alone, Emotional Hurt, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Gen, Grief, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, The Confession, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27573169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirandamyth/pseuds/mirandamyth
Summary: Coda for 15x18, Dean's drive to meet Sam.click for vibes on spotify
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: seasons [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2066691
Comments: 3
Kudos: 68





	For Miles and Miles

After Cas disappears, Dean can’t move. He can barely breathe. When he finally pulls himself some semblance of together, Sam has left four voicemails and a flurry of panicked text messages. He can’t bring himself to return the call, just shoots off a text with the name of a town at the midpoint between Lebanon and Hastings, and gets in the car.

Dean buys his first pack of cigarettes in ten years before he gets out of Lebanon. (Well, pilfers is more accurate, but no one’s there to stop him. No one is anywhere.) He smokes the first one standing in the gas station parking lot, ignoring the rough feeling of smoke in his throat, relishing the dizzying head rush from the nicotine. He hadn’t had a cigarette since he’d come back from Hell — between the second lease on life and the lingering stench of hellfire, he’d lost the desire. But now? Now he needs this. The comfort of a habit he’d picked up at sixteen, when he was trying to cultivate the devil-may-care attitude he so desperately needs on his side right now. 

He finishes the rest of the pack over four hours, Cas’ final words ringing in his head. How did he miss it? He can’t help but remember the dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of times Cas has made sacrifices for him, the times he’s tried to tell Dean how he feels in the past. (I gave _everything_ for you! I _always_ come when you call.) He can’t help but remember every time he’d ever let Cas down, every time he’d left him behind. Of course Cas thought he wouldn’t feel the same. 

He’s angry, in a detached sort of way; angry that Cas would make a deal without telling him; angry that he’d never bothered to ask more questions after Cas had brought Jack back; angry that Cas would drop this on him without even giving him time to respond. Without giving Dean time to say anything. Without giving him time to say it _back_.

Dean can’t believe that Cas didn’t know. After everything. After Purgatory, after the prayer, when Cas told him he heard him — Dean thought his longing, his intent, had made it through; had thought _Cas_ didn’t feel the same. 

How foolish he had been. Cas felt more for him than Dean had ever even allowed himself to hope. Cas sees so much more in him than he deserves, than he’s ever lived up to. More than anything, Dean can’t get his face out of his head. Even when he manages to drown out his thoughts with music and the sound of wind through open windows, Cas’ face floats in front of him. The way he _smiled_ , right there at the end.

The miles burn up under his tires, one good thing about the end of the world — traffic is no longer an issue. But for every mile he travels, the pit in his stomach grows heavier — when he arrives, he’ll have to tell Sam, tell _Jack_ , what happened to Cas. He’s not sure he’ll be able to get the words out, he’s not sure how much he should even say. They don’t have time for his crap, for his grief. They have the fate of the world to deal with, so who has time for the fate of Dean’s heart?

He knows one thing for certain. He knows he owes it to Cas to be better. To live up to the man Cas believes him to be. And when this is all over, he will damn well make sure to see that look of pure, unbridled joy again. Because he can’t let Cas down, not again. He can’t leave him out in the cold. 


End file.
